I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
