mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Pants are for mortals
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
