i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
