When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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