There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
