i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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