This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
