I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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