Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
