your parents love me but you hate me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize