Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
