Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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