yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
