well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
