sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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