Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
