sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
