so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It was confusing and full of hummus
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize