I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
