fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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