Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize