im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
