He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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