Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
