Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
