it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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