Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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