handjob tips. give me some.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
