I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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