woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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