she woke up with a sticky ear
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
