I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
