Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
