I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
