Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
