Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
