It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
