pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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