every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
