I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
