Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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