FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
