I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm like, not good at living.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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