I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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