She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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