I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
