So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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