I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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