I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
