Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
