Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
