I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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