I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
