U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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