you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my liver is dry heaving
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
