Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
