The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
